Lies we tell kids

[jezza]

http://paulgraham.com/lies.html

I thought this was an interesting article...

J

[Jakaluma]

that is an interesting read, thank you for posting it J

I try not to lie to my children - we have had so many discussions about subjects like death, deities, drugs, sex which I probably wouldn't have had with my parents - but absolutely none of it has stressed them, depressed them, worried them.

On the other hand, we do the easter bunny, father xmas and tooth fairy. I battle with this. Dh is adamant he doesn't want them to miss out on this magic. I love the magic side of it. That somewhere between reality and fantasy, and I know I never felt hoodwinked, rather I gradually discovered it wasn't reality at all, it was all fantasy.

[jezza]

Father Christmas is the big one here too. I have tried not to say too much about it in the last couple of years as they've gotten older, figuring that they will ask more questions about how real it all is when they're ready to say goodbye to those beliefs. I do find the area of fantasy/magic and the interaction with the childhood imagination a tricky area to negotiate. I always loved believing in fairies - I think it would have been sad if my parents insisted on pushing me to give up my beliefs by trying too hard to be "truthful" about the world.

But on one of the other topics - swearing - this has been an issues lately as my 6yo ds has decided that it is not wee but piss, not pop-off but fart etc. Nothing major, but I do cringe at hearing him use terms like that. But when I ask him not to I really don't know what I can tell him about why not - I just find it uncomfortable and I worry about what others will think. I can see the motivation to use all sorts of justifications as to why kids "shouldn't" swear. Does anyone else find this difficult?

J

[Jakaluma]

Can't say I find swearing a biggie. That said, my children rarely swear - but they know which are swear words (and not ALL learnt from me either). Funny, but I can't stand pop off or terms like that for fart - and don't consider fart a swear word. All a matter of perspective? I've not only confirmed swear words for them, but looked them up in dictionaries together, discussed why they are swear, what they mean, how they change over time (eg cunt used to be equivalent of modern fanny, not derogatory or swear at all).

[Marguerite]

That was quite an interesting read. I think that I am as honest as I can be with the girls, in an age appropriate way. I struggle with some of the things the author has said in the protection part of the article and think I need a day or two to let it sink in. My inital gut reaction is to say that I don't believe for a second that someone is better off having lived in and been exposed to NY (as he uses in his example) over living in the suburbs. Nor do I think that suburbs are designed for ten year olds as he mentions. I really think it goes back to being age appropriate.

Swearing has not been an issue for us. The girls both know a few choice words, but don't use them often. B at 2.5 is going through a phase of changing words in songs putting the word fluff in for every few lines. She and G scream with laugher about it.

We tell the story of St Nicolas that was posted here a few Christmases (is that a word?) ago and we play Santa in our family making a little something for each other and popping them into stockings. Easter is like that too, we put some eggs into baskets we have made.

[jezza]

After reading your responses and thinking a bit more about it I guess that the swearing thing is probably mainly about me adjusting to them growing older and choosing to use less babyish words. It is helpful to have a different perspective on these things. Thanks.

J

[Em]

Brilliant read thankyou

[Marmee]

Re: the swearing - If you are uncomfortable with a word for any reason (most of the time, becasue of your conditioning ) I don't think there is anything wrong with telling someone that you don't like that word or "please use that word softly". No difference to asking some horrid singer to tone it down for a bit Even letting children know why you don't like the word.

And in saying that, whilst I choose not to swear (well, that's a BIG call - it *does* pop out every now and then ), what I don't like and will not allow in our house is swearing *at* people. Swearing at an object or an action of your own in fine....but don't tell someone they are a dickhead or the like. Not nice.

But - that's just my humble opinion

[Jakaluma]

I agree Marmee - in the same way we don't use words like "idiot" or "stupid" - which swearing at someone is pretty much equivalent to (with maybe even more venom on most occasions).

What would you be okay lie-ing about to your children? I've been thinking about this since reading the article. Can't think of anything really, other than the easter bunny, father xmas and tooth fairy, which are pretty much all the same sort of thing.

[Greenmama2AJ]

A great read, thankyou.

I agree with the concept that much of what we lie about is an attempt to maintain innocence and power over our children.
But I think there is an important role to lying - not just to children, but to adults as well and it plays an important role in communication.

People who maintain they never lie are just as bad as those who notoriously do. Paart of being an adult is knowing that fine line. Some people cant see that there are very important reasons, both psychologically and socially, that people lie. I rememeber reading once that sociopaths often start off as being notoriously honest (lol, yeah, I dont have a link to that - I must find it for when this topic pops up.)

I try and remain age appropriate when I lie. I also try to tell the truth if it will aid in keeping my little one safe. No need in lying about sex and drugs - that could lead to dangerous misconceptions about the subject. But whats the harm in believing in the magic of the tooth fairy, kwim.