APing our bigger kids

[~twiddlebug~]

I thought it would be lovely to have a thread devoted to our big kids - the ones off to kindy, perhaps no longer feeding, maybe even loving having their own rooms, and adjusting to changes as the reality of our world begins to dawn on them...

My big kid is 4. He is an amazing amazing heart warming precious exhausting confident creative loving cuddly skinny picky ball of energy *phew*

I have been blessed with a child that raises to challenges, adores his baby brother and responds well to my mood swings (lucky, hey?)

I've been hunting around for some AP info that relates to raising our bigger kids and found this article.

http://childparenting.about.com/cs/e...attachment.htm


From page 3 of the article, How to Foster Attachment in School-Age Children

1. Communicate your love to your child in word and deed each and every day.

2. Listen for the feelings behind your child's verbal communication and respond to those feelings in an accepting way.

3. Show respect for your child's unique ideas and opinions.

4. Discuss mutual goals and plans with your child frequently. Go over the next day's schedule at bedtime. Make sure everyone knows where they will be going, what they will be doing, and what each person's responsibility will be.

5. Notify your child personally when plans change suddenly.

6. Continue to touch your child affectionately with hugs, pats on the back, sitting together to read, etc.

7. Model and teach courtesy, patience, kindness, thoughtfulness, honesty, loyalty, responsibility, fairness, and forgiveness.

8. Give your child age-appropriate responsibilities at home.

9. Recognize, acknowledge, and praise your child when he makes an effort to do something good -good school papers, obeying parents, helping at home. Make a big deal out of it.

10. Avoid destructive expressions of anger such as insulting, sarcasm, shaming, yelling, or spanking the child. Use Discipline with Dignity

I find that my son and I have better days together when I am extra mindful of how I speak to him. I know that for some this is second nature, and for others it is more difficult. I think I have more good days than bad

No9 strikes me a little off chord. I certainly thank Oscar when he has been helpful and complement his school work. I think it's the use of the word 'obeying' that has me off side...

Anyway, come, grab a coffee, discuss your big kids with me

[lizlea]

thats a great quote, thanks, will be back

[hanabi]

Thank you for posting this!

Agree about point #9 being a bit dodgy - though I'll give myself permission to interpret it for our own family's unique dynamics. Maybe like: Recognize and acknowledge your child when s/he makes a special effort to do something. Share your feelings about it and discuss the intrinsic motivations and rewards...?

I have three older children now aged 4, 5 and 7. They all get on relatively well and respond to reasoning (well, my 4 year old is almost at the age of reason). They all still need lots of physical affection though they seem to need less 'mothering' in terms of one-to-one attention. They get a lot of their attention needs met by each other. I have to be extra mindful of my 4 year old though since the older two are very close and I'm still intensively mothering my 18mth old- I don't want him to be the forgotten child in the middle, which can happen when things get hectic here.

[fayble]

Great article B.
So I have a nearly 8 year old !!!!! 5 1/2 and nearly 3.
I try my hardest to acknowledge their strengths and control my words when it my issue not theirs.
I absolutely agree with the physical contact they still sooo need it and definitely think they deserve to know personally when plans are being changed...which happens a lot around here
I am working very hard on remembering that my children are just that children and not small adults and although they have responsibilities I can't expect them to look at a situation with adult perspective. Hard when you have amazing children that are so sensitive to adult issues and behave soo much older at times.
My other goal too is not to let them take over parenting my youngest. Being pg I slip sometimes and get them to deal with issues when I can't be bothered...I have come to realise, you would think it was obvious, that they are not his parents and it is not their responsibility to take care of him.
Oh look at my novel
I will be watching this thread and will add more if others want it.

[hanabi]

Interesting Fay. I think the older children get a lot of satisfaction and reassurance out of being able to take care of younger siblings (in limited ways). My seven year old will often interpret and respond to the requests of his baby sister and I see this as a healthy sense of self-sufficiency. It's good for his self-esteem. Though I agree it's not appropriate to depend on his ability to do this.

[lizlea]

well my 11 year old is very happy to look after the baby unless she cries, lol. but she doesn't want much to do with the four year old except for occasionally. I think it is to do with personalities more than age though.

I find number 4 really relevant - the house runs much more smoothly if everyone knows whats going on. At dinner each night we talk about what is happening tomorrow - needed for my organisation as well! life can get pretty hectic.

[~twiddlebug~]

Ah, I love to hear from those of you with a couple of older kids. Family dynamics really intrigue me, and it's almost a relief to read that you don't think it's an age thing between your older two, rather a personality difference Liz.

As DP and I think about the dynamics of our family, age gaps etc (which I know can't always be controlled ) it's great to hear of big brothers and sisters playing and learning alongside each other despite various age gaps.

At what age did your bigger ones move out of the family bed? I'm tempted to keep Oscar with us until A (8 months) is ready to share a room with him.. so that's ages away At the moment Oscar usually sleeps in one room with DP, and A and I in the main bedroom. Occasionally we all sleep in main room, a toddler bed sidecar with a queen bed. We all fit, it just isn't as peaceful for A and I.

[lizlea]

well A is 11 and I don't think she has slept with us since about 18 months!
B is 4.5 and is with us half of most nights.
K is almost 1 and is with us all the time

luckily we have a king size bed!

[virtualmeg]

Oh my goodness, does this mean that both of my kids are now big kids? I think we all grow together. I certainly have no plans to stop growing and learning. I love the way Isabella and Angus interact together, it is really special. I think there is 5.5 years between them, something like that anyhow.

Isabella moved into a big bed at the age of 2 (her own choice, of course!), Angus and Isabella shared a queen bed for the last 6 months or so...he officially wanted his own bed (well, still co-sleeping, but with Isabella instead) somewhere at the end of the twos...and has just decided to have his very own bed a week or so ago...he still hops into our bed at around 2-3am every morning though - always has.

[craftymum]

What a greatly timed thread...I was just wondering if there was a place here for my exploration of raising my older children.

I will admit I am learning all the time and am in no way a perfect parent...I strive to do my best and sometimes thats not even the best I know I'm capable of.

(now who's writing an essay) oops and I'm not finished
I have a nearly 11 year old dd, 6 and a half dd, nearly 5 year ds, 2 and a half dd and a 3mth old ds

school routine helps me to keep a pattern and then being more in a frame of mind to keep the kids up on our daily plans...currently with the holidays, its bit all over the place, I'm working on not letting everyday be too Sundayish. They know Sunday is grandparents day visit, so I'm not sure if they'd be up for it either

Affection - I often gently rub the top of their head, a little smile, G (nearly 5) will cheekily smile at me with some encouragement - like a little tickle or a side look. My nearly 11yr dd doesn't mind hugs still (thankfully)
massaging feet is popular around here too

It is challenging to raise various ages all at once but its worth it for the fun that is had...and having a baby reminds us all of the basic needs we all still have, particularly for cuddles